Mariko Kawasaki

UC Davis 2021-2022

I never thought that just a year of studying abroad could significantly impact me academically, mentally, and personally. The high quality of education and the experience of living in a different country played a big part in my decision to study abroad. I had a personal interest in studying LGBT studies and psychology in-depth. Along with that, I wished to have gain inner confidence and learn to respect myself more. This experience led me to understand the unestablished part of myself and unraveled my future career path.

Due to covid-19, my program was once canceled in 2020. Hence, I decided to take a gap year and try again in 2021. I landed at Sacramento International Airport – the nearest airport from UC Davis –I was still in doubt that my program would be canceled at the last minute again.

My first thought after landing and transporting to my new “home” was, “Wow, so many cows and horses. Is this really in California?” The truth is I was a little disappointed, and it seemed like there would be not much to do. And I was not wrong; Davis is a place surrounded by open lands and highways. It is a small town centered by UC Davis, which seemed like a dead end. However, the story does not end here. It was, in fact, the best place for me to grow as a student and person. The environment and community have considerably shifted my perspective. Three different parts – personal, school, and housing life – guided me to where and who I am today.

Personal Life – Identity

This exchange program has significantly changed the way I perceive identity. These past nine months seemed like a challenging year, yet because of the environment and community, I experienced a discrete perspective of my identity.

Once felt like an eternity, I was in the loop of establishing who I was. The struggle came from being baffled about my gender identity and sexuality. Having a fragile identity led to developing insecurities, overly analyzing, and judging myself. Part of my development of insecurities was due to Japanese society. From a personal experience, Japanese society often presents the importance of gender and gender roles on daily basis.

Moreover, Japan still considers the LGBT community, not the “norm,” which created this transparent groove between LGBT and non-LGBT. People constantly wondered if I were a boy or a girl, judging me by my looks. Moreover, asking to check a box of gender at an unnecessary situation. Having the constant reminder of fitting into a specific box (gender), I felt alienated and always grasped for air.

I had hoped this exchange program would guide me to discovering myself and having some weight lifted off my shoulder. It was not an easy task to find a fixed conclusion; however, this program allowed me to self-acknowledge and discovered the state where I felt most comfortable.

It was not the specific experience or studying academically that led me to self-acknowledge. It was, in fact, that the environment and community played a significant role. In retrospect, when I lived in Davis, I did not think much about my gender or sexuality. Davis has a very welcoming environment and atmosphere for everyone, a place where everyone is unique, and that is not their flaws. Everyone respected each other and never felt cold eyes for being “different.” It is hard to describe in words, but the atmosphere felt different compared to life in Tokyo. People there understand that LGBT is not rare and have more knowledge; hence, they understand how to respect one another. In the case of Japan, people still lack knowledge, so they do not know when they are being disrespectful or asking questions out of their curiosity.

On the other hand, in Davis, people would not assume other people’s pronouns. They would respectfully ask everyone’s pronouns at the beginning of a conversation. This creates a safe atmosphere for students to present how they wish to be, using their preferred pronouns and names. That is the reason why I did not feel the need to question my gender or sexuality. For all this time, I was questioning and rushing because I felt the need to fit into a particular box. However, fitting in a box is unnecessary in Davis, and being themselves is considered much more important. Once I realized that the weight on my shoulder felt much lighter, it was the most liberating feeling. I realized what it is like to be true to myself. This program allowed me to establish how important the environment or community can affect the way you think about yourself. Moreover, it made me realize there are more things we can do to change Japanese society into a more inclusive environment and atmosphere.

School life 

One academic goal at UC Davis was to study Psychology and Gender and Sexualities Study in-depth. I wanted to use this opportunity to understand the complexity of gender through psychology and GSS studies. Unfortunately, during the program, I could not find an exciting course related to gender and LGBT. However, there were many advanced and interesting psychology courses. Due to topics focused on personality, neuroscience, and development, I could apply that newly acquired knowledge to understand more about gender. Without this program, I would not have learned this much in-depth or gained more interest in Psychology.

Even though I did not have a chance to study the LGBT community as a course, however as mentioned above, living there already gave me enough experience to learn and understand more about myself and gender in general.

Primarily, due to a sudden realization, I finally acknowledged what “学び(ma-na-bi)” is all about. Before the exchange program, my focus was mainly on grades, and I lacked in genuinely understanding my purpose as a student. However, I was struck to see many UC Davis students’ positive attitude towards learning. Their eagerness to learn pushed me to study harder. This was the first time I put effort into genuinely understanding each topic. Naturally, it changed how I studied and shifted the way I perceive studying from being stressful to exciting and meaningful. As I learned to understand “学び,” it gave me a clearer vision of my career after graduating from ICU. I cannot express enough how excited I am to pursue this career.

Housing life 

The most hectic part of an exchange program is living with suitemates from different backgrounds and cultures. I lived in a student apartment where I shared a kitchen and living room with five other suitemates. There were many clashes due to everyone having different expectations and demands when using the shared space. We had many heated conversations and tried so many ways to find a compromise. However, it was not an easy task. This experience led me to realize the importance of speaking up, listening to other people’s needs, and trying to find a compromise where both sides are respected. My biggest regret is not discovering that earlier, even though my strength is listening, I lacked in speaking up. Hence, I was unable to disclose ideas to harmonize everyone’s opinions.

Moreover, through the experience of living with others, I have learned to be more selfish. I would often prioritize others and hold back my feeling. Prioritizing others does not usually affect me, and I chose to do that. However time to time, it can bring extreme stress. Because people around me know that I would prioritize them first, they would start to take advantage of that. However, living with my suitemates and seeing how much they prioritize themselves made me realize that prioritizing themselves is equal to showing respect to themselves. Being too selfish can bring other problems; however, being just a little selfish from time to time can improve mental health as it reduces stress. Living with other suitemates was a challenge, but it has opened up my perspective on living style and how to respect one another and myself. Living with my suitemates was definitely and interesting experience and I am glad that I was able to share an experience with my suitemates, who are now my great friends.

Lastly, I would like to significantly appreciate JICUF for the support and for giving me this opportunity to fully experience the exchange program. I was able to focus on studying and experiencing new things due to having financial support. I can confidently say that this program allowed me to leave behind my past, acknowledge and face my present, and leap into my future.